Writing has been on my agenda of things to do but I just kept pushing it to the side. What could I possibly write about? Life has been so chaotic these past few weeks (let’s face it now, months) and I feel like I’m barely keeping up.
I was talking to my friend the other day about what it means to be living outside of myself. That’s how it feels. It’s like I’m watching myself and all I can keep telling myself is,
“Wow that sucks, you’ll get thought it.”
It’s like I’m talking to another person, but that person is me. But I realize now that it’s just because I’m sad.
I’m sad to admit I’m sad. Since I turned 28 (in April), I’ve just been drowning in sadness. Maybe I’ve been sad even longer but I’m finding that I’m just having a harder time running from it. The worst part is that I feel ashamed to even tell people I’m sad. Mainly because I fear their responses to my truth. The number one thing I can’t stand is have my feelings be dismissed or belittled.
There are many reasons why I feel sad. Im sad that a piece of me decided to die right before the time when I needed it the most. I’m sad I may never have children. There’s a chance I may and I’m happy about it but the fact that I had to go through that whole process makes me sad. I’m sad I had cancer. I’m sad I have to go to these ridiculous screenings every six months. I’m sad that no one in my life understands that and I have to carry all that comes with it by myself. I’m sad that Ukrainian people are dying every day. I’m sad that children are still being shot in schools. I’m sad that we went through this whole supposed “racial reconciliation” two years ago and yet nothing has REALLY changed. I’m sad I can’t really count on people anymore. I’m especially sad that God feels very absent.
There are many more reasons so feel sad. But to dwell on them leads to more feelings of hopelessness. But I’m starting to be okay with feeling sad. Especially when it allows for me to appreciate the small moments of beauty in each day. But I supposed that’s what optimism means for me in this season. Life seems to be getting harder which each passing month but I still can say life is worth living, God is still good, and there is still hope. I’m still ENDURING with optimism and I’m grateful. I’m learning that optimism does not have to only be associated with joy and happiness but it’s probably most important as we go through the most painful wildernesses of our lives. I’ll leave you with this verse that has helped me remain optimistic:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 NIV