I read that caption in a medical record and it couldn’t be more accurate for how I’m feeling about my life right now. This past month has been a slight disaster/ life and death situation. I come out of it feeling like I’ve lost so much; specifically my ovary which contains much of my hope for kids and also time because in a way we are all running out of it.
In December, I went in for a laparoscopic procedure to diagnose (and hopefully treat) my endometriosis. But while in surgery the doctors found that my right ovary looked abnormal. After consulting with an oncologist, and with my parent’s permission since I was under anesthesia, they removed my right ovary and my right Fallopian tube. When I woke up, I was told the news about the cancer but also that the fallopian tube they removed was my only way of having kids naturally since my left tube was blocked; which will make having kids difficult.
To say I’m mad is certainly an understatement. I’ve had a few “why” and “woe is me” moments the past few weeks. But honestly now I’m just tired. Too tired to talk to people and too tired to find the words to talk to God about it either. Then guilt goes on top of the tired for feeling that way and then I feel pressure to get back to normal when I don’t even know what that is anymore…
The good news is that I’m cancer free. The cancer didn’t spread and they were able to remove the tumor during the surgery. I also still have a health ovary so I’m looking into fertility options. I’m still in the process of recovering because they removed to much. But, I’m still optimistic about 2022 because at this rate the worst thing that can happen now is death – which is actually a good thing when you’re a Christian- but I’m still so unsure about the future. Stay tuned as I try to figure it out.