Grace in a Dark Season

I quit my part time job a few days ago.

It is not weakness to accept that you lack the capacity to do something. It’s actually strength.

When I recovered the first time from being sick in late September, I remember this longing in my heart to rest take it easy, drop out of the half marathon I was training for— I immediately kicked that out of my mind and said, “no I am going to train harder! I have to make up for the time I’ve lost. I have to make the money back and I shall succeed.”

It only lasted for about 3 weeks until sharp pains came back so severely I could barely stand.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV

Sometimes you have no choice but to surrender to the process.

I used to think that this was a cliche verse; like of course Paul is delighting in his weaknesses because he’s Paul and he’s this hero in the Bible. But when I became afflicted myself it was turmoil to me. I did everything I could to numb the discontent and disappointment. I felt that my body that I relied so much on was actually failing me. It got so bad at some points I even thought of taking my own life several times. But I knew that I had so much more to live for (and let’s be honest so much debt to pay off that I didn’t want my family to worry about) that I had to find another solution.

I learned that these verses are a wake up call. Paul is letting us know sometimes life really does suck, and to choose life means that you will need to find the joy in your suffering or else you will live a miserable life. He just reveals to us the secret to making it through. Lean into the God-given grace that allows you to be weak and imperfect. His strength may not make it easier to go through, but you’ll find unexpected little gifts of His power that will help you along the way.

I’m realizing for the first time what it means to be content. To actually rejoice in my suffering. I’m actually breaking through in a unique way. The solution is to choose Christ. To search for Him in the way He searches me. To actually drink the Gospel koolaid that grace is enough; that not only is it enough- it’s sufficient. As I’m lying in bed finishing this blog (my first blog in months), I’m surprised at how happy and content I actually am, just being still.

I thought the solution to my problem was to work harder get the part time job, train for that race but in the end those were the things that almost took me out for good. Sometimes resting and letting God work things out is the only thing you can do to survive a difficult season. And surprisingly it could bring more joy than you ever imagined in the most unexpected way.