Happy August friends! Well Summer 2021 is more than halfway done and I realize I have not posted since the end of June. This summer has been chaotic but I’m finally having some moments of stillness while I’m on vacation. In reflecting I discovered that I have recently had this sudden need to find relevance in my life. I have felt like I’m losing it for a while because I’m not sure exactly what I’m living for. Now I’m in a place of transition where dreams are finally being realized. Goals that once seemed far away and are now in reach I’m surprisingly unbalanced by it all. And suddenly a fear that feels uncommonly comfortable comes near. This fear is accompanied by a million what if’s that cloud my judgement. What if this was all for nothing? Am I really in God’s will? With these questions I guess I’m more so questioning myself and my worth instead of just focusing on God and His promises. This is also accompanied by a dash of comparison and sprinkle of anxiety because I’m insure about what my next move should be. But during vacation I promised myself I’m going to be focused on being present. Sometimes I’m good at rushing into the next thing instead of enjoying the flowers that comes with now. I’m learning with achievement comes doubt and it takes the grace of God and belief in yourself to keep moving forward.
This summer has been full of ups and downs. Losing my grandfather was the toughest thing I’ve ever gone through. We’re only a month in and I’m learning to live with that new reality. But I’m realizing that loss has helped me grow. It’s forced me to question why I do the things I do. Am I wasting time? Am I doing things for the validation of others or because it is actually good for me. In a way this loss has afforded me a reset to rest and choose how I desire to move forward.
Healing and Breakthrough… breakthrough IN healing. These are common words that define where I am. Going through a life transition has given me time to actually heal to be honest with myself about where I am. In some ways I feel like I’m rediscovering who I am because I’ve actually allowed myself to come up for air for the first time in years. Some parts I love, some parts I’m learning to love (thick thighs I’m looking at you), and some parts I outright dislike and am currently coming up with strategies to change.
But through it all, I’m still optimistic. Life really is only just beginning. And as I write this sitting on the beach, looking at the waves while sipping on some wine (guilty pleasures are a must on vacation 😉), and I focus on being present in the confines of today, I’m honestly content and excited for what the future holds.
Confessions of an Enduring Optimist 