So I’m one month into my 26th year. To mark the occasion, I subconsciously booked myself an Airbnb (meaning that I didn’t realize that it was one month but I wanted to do it anyway lol). I was literally down the street from where I live with my parents and my sister. I was feeling trapped and I needed a change, I needed to get away and get some power back.
The moment I got there I just started crying, uncontrollably. Crying for the current state of our world because this pandemic has been heartbreaking to experience. Crying for the recent deaths of Ahmaud Arbery and George Flynn. Crying for the dreams I’ve had and crying about the frustrations I now experience in this season of life I’m in. Don’t get me wrong, life isn’t bad at all. I come from an amazing family, I’m blessed with great friends, and I’m working towards my master’s degree.
Yet I find myself in a frustrated, disappointed state lately. I’ve experienced emotions of ungratefulness and bitterness more often. When I actually took the time to unpack my heart, I found that many of those emotions stem from my past. I had to realize that instead of dwelling on things of the past, I need to cling to the truths of the future and I can’t stop doing that.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
Isaiah 43: 18
I got tired. Tired of believing for the best when I don’t see a change. Tired of being optimistic for a future that I can’t see right now. But when I gave in to that, that’s when those feeling of insignificance and bitterness came in. I stopped depositing God’s truths into my present. I stopped receiving God’s joy and peace because of my frustrations. I allowed myself to get stuck.
So now I’m sitting in my pajamas writing this post in my own place (for only 2 more hours lol) and I’m realizing that the person I needed to get away from was me. My flaws, my antics, my insecurities, and my mind that just keeps running nonstop. I’m coming to terms with my insecurities and I’m realizing that there are many things that I need to change within to have me truly have peace with myself. So I’m going home today refreshed and hopeful for what God has in store.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43: 19
Optimism is tough to have because it’s a mindset. Although things in life may not look how I would like for them to look I’m going to choose to believe for the best. I’m going to choose to take God at His word and worship Him. Each day will look different and some days will be harder than others. But I guess the battle in finding true freedom is receiving God’s free gift of joy and peace for each day. If we do that tough work each day, I truly believe that we will live lives of true significance because we can love other people better and most importantly, love ourselves better.
Here’s a great sermon I listened to earlier: