This week has been a stressful one. On one hand I did rest, which I never do. On the other, I have tried to keep busy so that I don’t have to think about my uncertainties in life. I realize two things I’ve wanted to work on this year, consistency and discipline are the very things I’ve failed at thus far in my 25th year.

So instead of figuring out what to blog about I decided I’m just going to write: this is called Confessions of an Enduring Optimist lol. But like many things in life, I felt that I needed to find the optimism before I wrote about what I’m going through.

Truth is, I’m terrified about the future; like many people unfortunately. This week I was reminded of this parable of the sower that Jesus once told:

““Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.””

Matthew 13:18-23 NIV

I found I’m unfortunately the second person. I receive the Word with joy but I’m realizing my faith has no root. How does my faith get rooted? By being a doer of the Word and being obedient. When hard times come, I’m that person who completely forgets what obedience looks like.

Now I’m not strung out and acting crazy, but I would be lying if I said that I’m not a little stuck right now as I’m transitioning into this new life as a graduate student. That had me feeling so condemned this week. The worries of the world (finances, etc) certainly didn’t help. So condemnation turned into fear which turned into panic with a side of anxiety. If I wasn’t feeling one I was feeling the other and sometimes all the emotions at once. And unfortunately I lost sight of God. One of my favorite rappers said that my panic proves I think He’s not sovereign.

“What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

Romans 8:31 NIV

So what shall I say to these things?

God has already won the battle and the fact that I notice all these thing shows that perhaps I’m already on the right path to growth. I pray that each person who may be going through a trial whether it’s financial and school like me, health, your job that you become aware of what God may be trying to teach you about yourself and what He’s trying to teach you about Himself. Maybe- actually I know- knowledge of both will keep you from going into panic.